The way that I feel loved is completely different to the way that my twin sister feels loved. Even though we are quite similar and speak many languages of our own, we actually speak a completely different love languages.
I feel loved and cared for when people hug me, put their arm around me or even put their hand on my shoulder. Jane, my twin sister, is not a physical touch person and does not like me trying to hug her… sad face.
I used to get so frustrated and sad when I would try and hug Jane to show her I love her and she wouldn’t like it. How could she possibly not like hugs? To me, hugs mean you love someone. If she doesn’t like my hugs, that must mean she doesn’t love me, right?
Wrong. Because who wouldn’t love me? Srsly. So when I learnt about love languages, everything began to make sense for me. Not just for me and Jane, but for all of my relationships. And when they go pear shaped (like all relationships sometimes do) I have the tools to fix it myself, which is always better than feeling confused and heartbroken. Let me explain so that you can add love languages to your personal resource basket like me, and pull out whenever you need to.
Dr Gary Chapman
Dr Gary Chapman is legendary. In a nut shell, he has been counselling and researching relationships for over 35 years. He has worked with thousands of people all over the world, and discovered 5 ways of showing other people love. They are:
Quality time – this language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
Physical touch (that’s me) – to this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
Words of affirmation – this language uses words to affirm other people.
Acts of service – for these people, actions speak louder than words.
Receiving gifts – for some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
What this means is, you can do an online quiz that puts in order the 5 love languages above. Your top scoring language is your main language, or your native tongue, if you will.
So if we go back to the situation with Jane and I, I was trying to show her I love her by hugging her (my love language is physical touch), and she couldn’t understand me because she speaks a different language (words of affirmation). When she used to pull away from my hugs, it didn’t mean she didn’t love me, it meant I was speaking Chinese… and Jane can’t understand Chinese.
There’s not much point trying to show someone I love them if I’m speaking a language they can’t understand. It’s a waste of time and I’m left feeling flat and rejected. To empower myself to feel good, I can do the love languages test and work out how I can show others that I love them, in a way that they are going to want to love me back.
Knowledge is power.
Now that I know a bit more about myself and Jane, I can really fill her up and show her how much I love her by choosing to speak her language. I can tell her I love her, and how beautiful and pretty she is (lol) instead of trying to show her like I was before giving her hugs.
So if my identical twin sister and I can be so different, even though we share the same DNA, imagine how different you could be from someone else? Have you been missing out on receiving the love that you deserve?
Visit Gazza’s website
To find out more about yourself and how you interact with others, visit Gazza Chapman’s website. The quiz only has 30 questions only take a min. Oh, and it’s free!
How do you show people that you love them?
Think of someone close to you. How do they show you that they love you?
Can you think of a time where you may have felt frustrated because you were speaking a different language to someone you care about?
Add me on Instagram to see some photos of Jane and I. See if you can tell us a part!